Moderator: Welcome to the Democratic Debate. Let’s get started. My first question is for former Senator John Edwards. After the assasination of Benazir Bhutto in Pakistan and the unrest that followed, voters are wondering how candidates would handle this situation. What would you do to stabilize the country and keep their nuclear weapons out of the hands of terrorists?

Edwards: Well, in order to solve a problem, you have to get to the root of the issue. The truth is, there are two Pakistans. One for rich oil sheikh fatcats, and the other for poor Alladin-like peasants who work at mills, just like my grandfather, grandmother, father, aunts, uncles, and many little orphan children. Until there is one Pakistan instead of two, this problem will never be solved.

Moderator: Senator Clinton, a portion of the Democrat electorate believe you’re corrupt and power-hungry, and your grating voice makes you unpalatable to most voters. What assurance can you give them you can overcome the “likeability” factor and score a victory for Democrats?

Hillary: You know, it’s not easy … [turns around and applies eyedrops] … that hurts my feelings. [tears streaming down] America deserves a leader with 35 years of experience, and I can bring that experience to bear and crush — [stony faced] — I mean work hard to implement change. You can’t even begin to imagine the kind of changes I will implement! [evil cackle]

Edwards: It’s too bad people don’t like you Hillary. Not everyone can be as pretty as me though. [tosses hair back and forth]

Moderator: You are quite stunning Mr. Edwards. Anyway, on to Governor Richardson. You obviously don’t have the girl-next-door good looks of Edwards or the charisma of Obama, but you must have something to bring to the table. Please explain to us why you should be President.

Richardson: There are a lot of reasons I should be Vice Pres — uh, President. I had 4 years in the Congress, [tapping fist on desk]two Cabinet positions. [tapping fist some more] I’ve gone head to head with North Korea [still nervously tapping fist on desk]

Hillary: Bill, if you don’t stop tapping on that desk, so help me, I will the rip your beating heart from your — just kidding [cackles] What? Everybody keeps telling me, lighten up.

Moderator: Senator Barak Obama, you have stated you would be willing to sit down at the table and negotiate with dictators. Please explain your strategy in dealing with Ahmadinejad and how you intend to keep nuclear weapons out of the hands of the Iranians.

Obama: First of all, my middle name is Hussein, so that would give us some common ground to begin with. But mostly, I would bring the spirit of hope and change to the middle east. I would tell him hope is what led me to Iran.

Moderator: Isn’t that naive?

Obama: No, we’ve got to believe. You know, I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.

Moderator: But how exactly will peace be achieved? Please explain your plan.

Obama: We’ve got to choose hope over fear. We can spread this message of change across the globe. They said we couldn’t do it, but we can … hopefully.

Moderator: Wow, [wiping tears] what an inspiring message. That’s a great place to end tonight’s debate. Good evening. [speaking to candidates] Let’s join hands and sing “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”. [jumps excitedly up and down] Yea!